Primo guigno

Wow what is it with this nervousness? It's a constant queasiness in my stomach, a strong case of butterflies. Anyway, sono nervosa, nervous about leaving behind what I know, and about finding something new. I am more nervous this time than I was before. The last time, I think I felt excited, tied down to old strings, and I focused more on letting go of the past. This time I have come to terms with the present and I am looking ahead to a future that is ever so important. That's what makes it so frightening perhaps, knowing that I really need to make this work. It's scary that I never even knew this language the last time I was here, I didn't know him, I was alone, and sometimes alone is simpler because you can do what you like. I'm so used to being alone. Yet in the last five months I haven't felt alone, even if he wasn't physically present we were so much a part of each other's everyday lives. 

I am used to him and yet unused to him. I am both excited and afraid of the new. I could have asked for no one better to start my life with, I can think of no person nicer, or more kind than he. Yet I also need my own strength, my own purpose, I need to look after him too. 

Communication is important, and understanding through language also. I hope one day we shall learn, though we have to work hard for it. I feel a number of things right now and do wish we could talk about them. I realise, first, that I no longer wish to be alone. I enjoy being alone and call it my solitude because it is simple, doesn't take much effort, and because I don't have a choice. It's made me used to my own rules and yet I adapt well to new rules too, sometimes my own rules are not the best ones.  I am happiest when I am in the company of people i care about, and I am fortunate to have met some lovely people in my life. And so, when my friends left this evening, I felt bereft. I wanted to stop them and say, don't go! Not yet! At the same time, I had moved on from them, things were different now, and I no longer wanted to share the same space. 

I feel a mix of things, excitement, trepidation, sadness, fear, joy. It's only natural. And the more you think about it, the bigger it grows in your head, and the more emotions you are able to allot it. It will be all right because it must be all right, I have that faith. It is not even that I am sad about the things I will leave behind. I may not even miss them when I am away. But for now I feel a great love for all that I shall leave behind. It's a joyous feeling,really. 

The last day

This winter, beyond the home and forest

Rinsing off the fatigue and the grime

Where the unknown makes its own solitude

I have promised, I must visit once

Neera

A silence had wanted - to touch another stillness

They went in opposite directions

Never even met in this lifetime

This

i know this with surety, in a way that i have not known it before this. i dont want to go back, and I have to leave. I don't know why, I suppose I am unhappy there. I think I am, though I dont notice it every day. I keep myself busy, there are things that I enjoy, and I deal with life. I dont stop to ask too many questions. I am only noticing it now - I think I am realising that I am going back to a place where I am alone, although I have never minded being alone before, and I am returning for a little while, a few months before I step into the unknown. The unknown should be frightening but it seems to be much more appealing than this familiar. I know there are good things to come, there must be. This familiar has certainly given me a great deal but it has also taken away a lot from me. I dont want to lose my integrity. I asked for the newspaper and I began to read it until I realised that I dont actually care what is happening there. I dont want to catch up with the news I missed. It doesnt matter to me. It did once. I thought I was going back home. Now I don't think of it as home - I don't think of any place as home. And that is a strange, strange feeling. 

Love is a fragment of verse, the rest will never be written