Primo guigno

Wow what is it with this nervousness? It's a constant queasiness in my stomach, a strong case of butterflies. Anyway, sono nervosa, nervous about leaving behind what I know, and about finding something new. I am more nervous this time than I was before. The last time, I think I felt excited, tied down to old strings, and I focused more on letting go of the past. This time I have come to terms with the present and I am looking ahead to a future that is ever so important. That's what makes it so frightening perhaps, knowing that I really need to make this work. It's scary that I never even knew this language the last time I was here, I didn't know him, I was alone, and sometimes alone is simpler because you can do what you like. I'm so used to being alone. Yet in the last five months I haven't felt alone, even if he wasn't physically present we were so much a part of each other's everyday lives. 

I am used to him and yet unused to him. I am both excited and afraid of the new. I could have asked for no one better to start my life with, I can think of no person nicer, or more kind than he. Yet I also need my own strength, my own purpose, I need to look after him too. 

Communication is important, and understanding through language also. I hope one day we shall learn, though we have to work hard for it. I feel a number of things right now and do wish we could talk about them. I realise, first, that I no longer wish to be alone. I enjoy being alone and call it my solitude because it is simple, doesn't take much effort, and because I don't have a choice. It's made me used to my own rules and yet I adapt well to new rules too, sometimes my own rules are not the best ones.  I am happiest when I am in the company of people i care about, and I am fortunate to have met some lovely people in my life. And so, when my friends left this evening, I felt bereft. I wanted to stop them and say, don't go! Not yet! At the same time, I had moved on from them, things were different now, and I no longer wanted to share the same space.